Normally, my home drives me nuts as a result of unpacked boxes everywhere and lack of furniture or finished rooms.  So now, I have all of that and there is regular, everyday living crap everywhere.  It just happened last night. 

There was a mass confusion of the weekend trip (no chores done - laundry started so piles everywhere) and valentine's day for my 2.5 year old (trying not to spend money, got all pinterest-y).  There are dirty floors, piles of laundry divided by color and cycle, dishes in the sink, glue and glitter on the dining room table and beds unmade.  It is like someone attacked my house with sloth. 

I was so proud of myself getting my laundry sorted out.  I was so hoping to do more on Wednesday night.  Then the realization that my son needed cookies for his party and O! Wait! Valentines for the party! Crap!

I will say that the cookies are at the party, along with my son and his valentines.  And they are the best tasting sugar cookies with the cutest homemade valentines anyone has ever seen.  The whole family is in clean clothes and the door is shut on the bedrooms...can't have everything.

God grant me the willingness to clean up before my parents stop by, AMEN.

I have been desperate for a break, but I feel like my house will fall apart if I walk away from it.  I had that feeling all the way to my Mom's on Saturday.  I stayed overnight there and returned midday Sunday.  

It was wonderful not to have to walk dogs or make dinner, clean something  - everything.  And then on Sunday, I was exhausted.  Just the travel alone made me tired.  Worse, nothing was done in my house in the time I was gone.  I had to go grocery shopping Monday on the way home from work! (I was still in my work clothes, which I found out painfully, are not comfortable to shop in.) 

I feel like I am behind now and am somehow failing because my laundry is stacking up, bathrooms need to be cleaned, floors - yeck.  Meanwhile, I have a valentines party to prepare for, not to mention the valentines for my sweet boy to give &  a box to receive.  I also have birthday gifts to figure out. Not to mention, I have yet to mail my mother-in-law's Christmas gifts. 

Major social fails all the way around.  The tension is nesting in my shoulders causing me physical pain.  At some point, it will manifest to a headache.  

On top of everything else, I am willing to start my weight watchers again.  I am heavy and have new years resolution to lose 20 lbs.  I have the desire and finally the willingness has given way to action.  Whenever I go into weight loss mode, I feel pressure, like riding into a dark tunnel.  I don't really understand it.  Just feels really hopeless, but I take the action just the same.  It means disruption in the routine.  

My "break" from my house - disruption in routine.  

I finally was getting to a place of routine despite train wreck of moving.  I crave the structure and comfort that comes with it.  Knowing where my things are so when I reach for them, they are there.  Knowing where my next meal is coming from and that it will be filling.  Fear of hunger and fear of loss of things make me CRAZY.  

God, please remove my fear.  Amen