Normally, my home drives me nuts as a result of unpacked boxes everywhere and lack of furniture or finished rooms.  So now, I have all of that and there is regular, everyday living crap everywhere.  It just happened last night. 

There was a mass confusion of the weekend trip (no chores done - laundry started so piles everywhere) and valentine's day for my 2.5 year old (trying not to spend money, got all pinterest-y).  There are dirty floors, piles of laundry divided by color and cycle, dishes in the sink, glue and glitter on the dining room table and beds unmade.  It is like someone attacked my house with sloth. 

I was so proud of myself getting my laundry sorted out.  I was so hoping to do more on Wednesday night.  Then the realization that my son needed cookies for his party and O! Wait! Valentines for the party! Crap!

I will say that the cookies are at the party, along with my son and his valentines.  And they are the best tasting sugar cookies with the cutest homemade valentines anyone has ever seen.  The whole family is in clean clothes and the door is shut on the bedrooms...can't have everything.

God grant me the willingness to clean up before my parents stop by, AMEN.

I have been desperate for a break, but I feel like my house will fall apart if I walk away from it.  I had that feeling all the way to my Mom's on Saturday.  I stayed overnight there and returned midday Sunday.  

It was wonderful not to have to walk dogs or make dinner, clean something  - everything.  And then on Sunday, I was exhausted.  Just the travel alone made me tired.  Worse, nothing was done in my house in the time I was gone.  I had to go grocery shopping Monday on the way home from work! (I was still in my work clothes, which I found out painfully, are not comfortable to shop in.) 

I feel like I am behind now and am somehow failing because my laundry is stacking up, bathrooms need to be cleaned, floors - yeck.  Meanwhile, I have a valentines party to prepare for, not to mention the valentines for my sweet boy to give &  a box to receive.  I also have birthday gifts to figure out. Not to mention, I have yet to mail my mother-in-law's Christmas gifts. 

Major social fails all the way around.  The tension is nesting in my shoulders causing me physical pain.  At some point, it will manifest to a headache.  

On top of everything else, I am willing to start my weight watchers again.  I am heavy and have new years resolution to lose 20 lbs.  I have the desire and finally the willingness has given way to action.  Whenever I go into weight loss mode, I feel pressure, like riding into a dark tunnel.  I don't really understand it.  Just feels really hopeless, but I take the action just the same.  It means disruption in the routine.  

My "break" from my house - disruption in routine.  

I finally was getting to a place of routine despite train wreck of moving.  I crave the structure and comfort that comes with it.  Knowing where my things are so when I reach for them, they are there.  Knowing where my next meal is coming from and that it will be filling.  Fear of hunger and fear of loss of things make me CRAZY.  

God, please remove my fear.  Amen  

"In the definition of the American Dream by James Truslow Adams in 1931, "life should be better and richer and fuller for everyone, with opportunity for each according to ability or achievement" regardless of social class or circumstances of birth." ~ Google

Good day - I set up our monthly mortgage payment online.  Somehow, moving into the house was not enough to make me believe that it is mine.  I have to actually spend money out of my pocket to make it real.  (Insane thinking)  I can feel the pinch in everything that I do.  I want this to go right more than anything I have ever done.  I am terrified I will fail at being a home owner.  It is one thing to be a terrible housekeeper, which I don't seem to be.  I am not terrible.  It is another to have the great American Dream collapse on me.  

When I think about what I want my life to be like,  I want to have the house where there is someone extra at the dining room table every night.  I want to have the Christmas party that everyone wants to attend.  I want to have the most well behaved dog and cutest child.  I want family to be there constantly.  I want family to want to come to my home.  I want there to be laughter, joy and love in our home.  I want people to say, how do you do it? I want to respond with laughter and say, one day at a time - and mean it with all the serenity that fills that saying.    

My fear of failure is overwhelming.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Breath in.  Breath out.  

Flip side is, I am excited to see progress that we were able to handle all of the random activation fees, deposits, termination fees, medical bills (new year, no deductibles!) without a hitch.  Before it is all said and done, I hope to find that peace and ease of paying bills, having a family and working that just flows.  It is a delusion that I perceive others to have.  

Dear God, please help me put into action a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual condition - Amen

Sometimes I think I am the only one who is going through this moving change, until my dog lets me know differently.

He is a high energy, Jack Russell Terrier.  He has turned into crazy, super-biting dog.  No idea why...  I do know.  He was used to running in a 65 acre pasture for a good portion of the day.  My way of walking him was to open the door and let him out.  He came back when he was done.  He would chase rabbits, ground hogs, cows.  Now he isn't even allowed to chase the neighbor's cat.  He is always on a leash or in a kennel.  He is going nuts with all the restrictions.  I am terrified he is going to bite my son.  He bites me a lot.  No punctures, just that nip that he used to give the cows in the pasture.  Just enough to bruise and hurt.  

This is the kind of situation that I am trying to adjust to in the new home environment.  Going from Farm to subdivision is crazy.  Lucky for the dog, one of my new year's resolutions is to lose 20lbs.  Guess I will be going running with him.  O my.  Am pretty heavy.  Hope I don't throw up.

Part of the problem with the dog going nuts is that my husband's solution is to give the dog away and that would put an end to the angry dog chaos.  The only place to give him (the pound) will kill him and I am anti-capital punishment.  Since I am not willing to kill the dog, my husband let me know that the dogs are my responsibility.  Sigh... more change.

Printing up couch to 5k right now.

God, grant me the willingness to run.  Amen

I am not sure if exhaustion counts in grief.  I am zapped of all energy.  As a result, I am cranky and unproductive.  There are boxes everywhere and all I want to do is take a nap.  Unfortunately, with the boxes are a toddler to be fed, cleaned and tended to with some comfort; dogs to be fed, trained and walked; a new huge house to be cleaned from top to bottom; laundry to be done; husband to support getting his masters.

 From the outside looking in, no time for naps.  Lots of coffee, no naps.

My New Year's Resolutions (yes, I have them) included all boxes unpacked and put away.  I do not think this is unreasonable seeing as I do not have 365 boxes and there are 365 days this year.  A box a day...one day at a time.  I think I will go through one that is in my bedroom tonight.

I did get the Christmas tree taken down.  Not bad if you ask me.  I had some help.  The grandparents came to play with the toddler so, I tackled the task.  It was a lot.  Dad was helpful getting the tree out of the house.  Now the great room looks empty.  O well.  I am so tired, I do not care what it looks like.  I am just glad it doesn't look like Christmas.

Here's to the working wonder woman!

God grant me time to sleep.  Amen.

I think that if I just do this one thing this way, maybe my life will get easier.  

My bargaining skills are not really all that good.  I used to pray, God if you will just get me out of this one, I promise I will never drink again.  Then I would get home to find that I couldn't not drink...

I don't bargain for cars or houses.  I paid $100 less for my house than what it was listed.  I tried coupon-ing.  I found that mostly I end up with little bits of newspaper scraps all over my life with expiration dates on them for yesterday or a month ago.  Some people talk about the great bargains they get at whatever store and isn't that amazing.  I have a story like that just for those situations.  I have ONE story like that.  I worked hard to earn that story too.  I just do not care about bargains.  

When it comes to emotional, spiritual pain, I all of the sudden become desperate for a bargain: Dear God, if you will just stop this anger, I will do this.  Dear God, if your will just make my husband do that, I promise to do this.  Dear God, Dear God, DEAR GOD!  

I have everything I need.  I have more than what I want.  I got exactly what I want and now...

I am confused.  I am tired.  I am disheveled.  I am angry.  I am lost.  I am trying.  I am trying.  I am trying.  

Dear God, give me the willingness to accept where I am and who I am today. Amen

Anger is the dubious luxury of normal men. 

Anger wraps me up like a thick blanket keeping me warm and cozy.  Sometimes I remember what I am angry about and I spew out venom all over my husband.  Other times, I forget because I am so comfortable and make passive aggressive statements that infuriate and hurt him.  I try to find someone safe to release my anger to only to find myself a weeping mess of snot and tears.  

I think the word I am looking for is seething.  Anger lies just below the surface.  I smile and fain sanity to those I pass in hallways, on sidewalks.  It is like the skin with the hot milk.  The skin creates a layer between the air and the boiling milk.  The boiling milk just boils rough and hot beneath. 

Anger makes me believe it is everyone else's fault.  Everything that does not meet my expectation perpetuates this anger.  If you dare to enter my sphere, be prepared, it is your fault.  I don't care what it is, it is your fault.  Anger is so self destructive, overwhelmingly immense and uncontrollable for me.  I don't know it's there until someone asks me.  

God save me from being angry.  Amen.