"In the definition of the American Dream by James Truslow Adams in 1931, "life should be better and richer and fuller for everyone, with opportunity for each according to ability or achievement" regardless of social class or circumstances of birth." ~ Google

Good day - I set up our monthly mortgage payment online.  Somehow, moving into the house was not enough to make me believe that it is mine.  I have to actually spend money out of my pocket to make it real.  (Insane thinking)  I can feel the pinch in everything that I do.  I want this to go right more than anything I have ever done.  I am terrified I will fail at being a home owner.  It is one thing to be a terrible housekeeper, which I don't seem to be.  I am not terrible.  It is another to have the great American Dream collapse on me.  

When I think about what I want my life to be like,  I want to have the house where there is someone extra at the dining room table every night.  I want to have the Christmas party that everyone wants to attend.  I want to have the most well behaved dog and cutest child.  I want family to be there constantly.  I want family to want to come to my home.  I want there to be laughter, joy and love in our home.  I want people to say, how do you do it? I want to respond with laughter and say, one day at a time - and mean it with all the serenity that fills that saying.    

My fear of failure is overwhelming.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Breath in.  Breath out.  

Flip side is, I am excited to see progress that we were able to handle all of the random activation fees, deposits, termination fees, medical bills (new year, no deductibles!) without a hitch.  Before it is all said and done, I hope to find that peace and ease of paying bills, having a family and working that just flows.  It is a delusion that I perceive others to have.  

Dear God, please help me put into action a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual condition - Amen